I’m in my late 60s, divorced three years ago. I’m now in a relationship with a man I really like and would love to see it continue to develop, however it feels more like a “situationship”.
It’s been three months so far, the attraction was instant and strong and felt very promising. We see each other on weekends, which he has stated works for him (partly because he lives an hour away). I’ve told him that I would like to spend more time together and, because of his response, I decided I’d ease off and see what happens. I know he likes me, we get on well and I also know he’s not seeing anyone else. The contact we have in between is sporadic and it’s usually me that initiates it. If he does, it’s very casual. Bottom line – I feel like I’m getting crumbs.
The problem is I’m scared of losing him if I state more definitely what I need. It’s difficult to meet men at my age and, while I have a full and active life, I also crave the intimacy that can only be obtained in a relationship.
Eleanor says: I feel bad for our wants, constantly told they’re overwhelming for other people and pre-emptively ushered from the room.
“They’ll run away if they know what I want” is premised on the idea that your desires are so scary, so pressuring, that even learning about them might be too much for someone.
But feeling like you can’t speak your wants out loud only adds to that sense that they’re scary. It Voldemort-ifies them.
You want to know things like: can I count on you; can I know more about how you feel; can I know whether this relationship aligns with my plans for my time and my body? These are pretty normal, humble things to want.
Saying you’d like something is not an ultimatum. It’s not a threat. You can say you’d be happier with relationship clarity with the same ease you’d have saying you’d like Italian for dinner, or to take a walk. I’m not threatened or insecure about the fact that I’d like this, because it’s fine that I want it and I’m not going to go to pieces if I don’t have it.
Indeed, there’s something really attractive and self-possessed about a person who doesn’t present their desires gingerly. Who can calmly and confidently say: “I’m into you and I like your company a lot. Just so you know where I am, I’d love to see more of you and make this official.”
I know the fear is that once we say that, the options are you either get more or terminate the relationship. Saying it out loud seems like an escalation that ends what exists already.
But it doesn’t have to be. Speaking the desire out loud is just giving him information. It’s not even the request that he make this a relationship. You’re just saying how you feel. The more you can present your desire as information, and not a demand, the more room you leave for him to say “that doesn’t suit me” – and so the less you risk by saying it.
More importantly, it’s unlikely you saying what you want will determine his answer.
Either he wants a relationship or he doesn’t. He already has a feeling about that, and it’ll be a function of a whole lot of things – his time, his emotional profile, his own romantic history, whatever.
I know in your shoes it feels like staying quiet is safe: if you don’t say anything, you’ll still have the connection, it might grow over time, and you’d rather have something than nothing.
But either he wants a relationship or he doesn’t. If the truth is he doesn’t, isn’t it better to know?
You might decide a little of what you want is better than nothing. Or you might decide sticking with a little is stopping you from getting the full thing.
Don’t try to extract the things you need by a complicated system of pretending not to want things. That just acquiesces to the sense that there’s something ipso facto demanding about having desires. Life is too short to subsist on crumbs for fear of what would happen if you said you’d like a meal.