It started in the middle of the night, always with a racing chest. My heart would pound like a steam train, despite the fact I was tucked up safely in bed.
My palms would sweat and I’d fidget under the covers, unable to lie still. I’d go to the bathroom constantly, my bladder having developed a mind of its own.
At some point, concerned that I’d wake my husband Guy or our ten-month-old daughter, I’d head to our attic bedroom.
And there I’d stew.
If you’re not part of the 10 per cent of the population who has experienced a panic attack in their lifetime, let me tell you, there’s nothing like it.
They feel different for everyone, but mine were like sinking deep under water, unable to breathe, my heart hurting, as the surface grew further out of reach. Sheer, bright white terror. Every nerve strained. You feel out of control; stuck, but on fire. I’d scream into a pillow or punch my legs to try to jolt myself out of it. Afterwards came feelings of pathetic exhaustion, futility and self-loathing.
India Sturgis is part of the 10 per cent of the population who has experienced a panic attack and says hers were like sinking deep under water
Alison Hammond experienced a panic attack live on ITV’s This Morning earlier this month and posted a video on Instagram saying it was the scariest thing she’d ever been through
Chest tightness and hyperventilation are common, which explains the feelings of dizziness. Some assume they’re dying. Others shake or feel sick.
A few hallucinate.
When Alison Hammond experienced a panic attack while presenting ITV’s This Morning earlier this month, she thought it was a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. The next day she posted a video on Instagram saying it was the scariest thing she’d ever been through.
I had panic attacks for a few months at the zenith of suffering a potent mix of generalised anxiety disorder, chronic insomnia and post-traumatic stress disorder in 2019. Each lasted perhaps five to ten minutes but felt much longer.
Now, aged 39, I no longer have anxiety and the panic attacks at first loosened, then disappeared, as I treated the anxiety and insomnia in tandem. For while they may seem insurmountable, I’ve learned there are many things that can help beat them.
For me, panic was a lot to do with insomnia, the fear of not sleeping (again), anxiety about feeling anxious, and the belief that I was slowly wrecking my life, mind and body with my seeming inability to shut off my brain.
Prince Harry spoke to neuroscientist Dr Mary-Frances O’Connor last week about the panic attacks he used to have while performing royal duties
This had been going on and off for years. I didn’t want to take medication because I thought it would prevent me waking up for our daughter, I might get hooked on it and, if I’m honest, I didn’t want to believe I needed it.
I got help only after a doctor admitted me to a psychiatric hospital, The Priory in Roehampton, because I was deemed a threat to myself in terms of self-harm and suicidal thoughts – the insomnia had driven me to a cliff edge. But there I began the slow journey back to myself.
My experiences meant I identified with Prince Harry, who last week spoke about the panic attacks he used to have while performing royal duties. Talking to neuroscientist Dr Mary-Frances O’Connor, the Duke of Sussex described how putting on a dress shirt triggered panic. ‘The tightening of the collar literally felt like I was suffocating, and I would be experiencing panic attacks just in the car on the way to work,’ he said. ‘And that’s when I realised, OK, there’s something bigger, there’s something else that you need to look into here.’
It’s ‘looking into it’ that helped me get my panic attacks under control. Learning the physiology of panic – that it’s just adrenaline and cortisol surging, and that it will pass – was life-changing.
Panic attacks are caused by our fight-or-flight response triggering an almighty surge of fear and stress hormones that can last from five to 20 minutes. Factors such as a build-up of stress, hormone fluctuations, genetics, hypersensitivity and exposure to trauma can make you more susceptible.
Cruelly, the fear of experiencing one can encourage it to happen, leading sufferers to self-isolate or barely dare to leave their house for fear of having an attack in public.
Many things can help, including grounding exercises, distraction, slow breathing or other forms of cognitive training, and exposure therapy – facing things that trigger panic. James Nestor, author of Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art, says the number one thing you can do to inhibit panic attacks is to control your breathing.
‘It’s in the scientific literature,’ he says, citing a 2010 study by Dr Alicia Meuret, at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, that showed slow, shallow breathing reversed hyperventilation and panic attacks in those with panic disorder.
You are in control of your breathing,’ he says, ‘and your breathing is controlling your panic. Once you master control of your breathing, you are driving the car – you are no longer a passenger.’
I’ve met those who have used music, feeling grass under their bare feet, singing or taking a shower to navigate away from panic.
Now I know a panic attack is not dangerous, despite how unpleasant it is. I haven’t experienced another one since about a month after coming out of hospital in 2019, largely thanks to my sleep improving with medication and cognitive behavioural therapy (among other things). But, crucially, if a panic attack does occur, I now know I will not fear it. That, perhaps, is the greatest deterrent of all.
How To Eat An Elephant: The Life-changing Power Of Managing Anxiety, One Bite At A Time by India Sturgis (£16.99) is available now.